The last year has been particularly hard, physically its been torture, emotionally mom died.

I've spent the last year more and more thinking death would be a gift, but, in the same breath in prayer tell God i am not ready. there is so much for me left to accomplish.

Whats stopped me is my health. Not my mental health, sheesh for a while there i was  declared mentally healthy, lol.

The pain. Its been 13 months since the new pain came upon me that refuses to respond to any pain management my doc tried, and bless his heart he tried so hard.

Turns out we've added bulging discs in my spine pressing on nerves, aka sciatica, and it hurts like a MF. Laughs in the face of hydrocodone and Valium. I have osteoarthritis in my upper spine and neck, bulging discs in the lower. I literally can feel my spine neck to pelvis, my pelvis/hips, and bones down both legs..... on fire 24/7. Bad enough that without gabaphentin i feel every nerve ending writhing and burning and in my back tingling in a weird  strobing kinda way.

My vitals still rock tho. HAHAHAHA very funny God.

He sent me to a specialist, and i am being upgraded from schedule 3 meds to schedule 2 meds. yay, something with a  higher risk of addiction.

I've been without any pain medication for 3 weeks, schedule 2's have to be special ordered at my pharmacy so not til Wednesday.

The last year my life was stolen from me even more than it had been.

Going through all i have alone has made my old friend loneliness return, some stuff you just can't weather alone sometimes, ya know?

So... confession time.

Last night, before bed, around 7 because my sleep schedule is so screwed up because i am NOT sleeping enough, or restfully despite medications for that, a gift from fibromyalgia.

I was putting together my bedtime meds.

I looked at my almost full scripts of zanaflex, ambein and Valium and thought, just for a split second, if i took all of them, the pain would end, i would not be alone and pathetic, and my life won't be stolen from me while torturing me.

To be clear, i am not suicidal, it was a fleeting thought born of  extreme pain, and frustration.

I have too much hope in doing certain things in my life  to give up and t be honest i am just too damn strong for that, too stubborn to give up.

I am a Christian and suicide is not on the table, ever.

Thats the problem.

When the pain is so bad, and you add in feeling lonely, frustrated, stuck at home.... i go dark.

Christians act as if going dark thought wise is always a sign of sin or something demonic. I think its human.

Especially when you've been thru the kinds of things i have. I was made to have dark places by many factors.

I need my life back, i need relief, i need love, i need to write and sell it.

But, i am so sick of all the drugs! muscle relaxers, sleep, anxiety, nerve endings, pain, hormone replacement, arthritis, a handful of vitamins and supplements because of deficiencies resulting from gastric bypass.

and BTW bypass or not, if you get put on  med after med that has weight gain as a side effect and are in so much pain  you sit on your ass all day, regardless of diet you gain.

Which has devastated me. since this new business started last year i went up a size in clothes..

I am living in the suck.

I am placing a lot of hope on the new pain med. All my chips are in on this bet.

I just hope my few friends i have can bare with me while i have the crazies for a while, i know its been most of the year, especially since mom died on April 12th.

Doc says it averages a person a year of grief.

but in truth we all have our own flow. Don't we?

Because, i am grieving so much more than mom.  I am grieving in ways that  am not sure i could even properly articulate

Just know its bad.

Just know some days, i am NOT ok.

I have two friends in mind when i say that. I hope they know who they are if they read this.

I love both of you very much.

Just be patient. ok?

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A PERFECT CIRCLE


"Gravity"